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I believe the cost to the dealership is internal: the costs of the technician's time and the use of the update booth (last time I spoke with my dealership it had only two such booths and updating the ECU software takes some time). I don't believe that BMW charges the dealership for the use of the software.
If you want the latest and greatest software, stock to your guns. If the deal is a terrific one for you, they might walk; if the deal is a terrific one for the dealership, it will probably reluctantly agree.
You are the purchaser and therefore you are in the driver's seat. If they won't give you what you want, get in your own driver's seat and drive somewhere else.
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