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Samurai of 2day
I can't pretend to know what you might have gone through, or are going through, but I think it's normal for many of us to feel depressed from time to time and possibly relate on some level to another's plight. And it's always transient, it passes, and when we look back at those tough times, we are triumphant in that we got past them and moved on to start new chapters in life and new adventures and new passions.
On a serious side note, if you're constantly or frequently feeling like you might do something that everyone who loves you will regret, my recommendation is to remove the item you mentioned is under your bed which can possibly be used to do this bidding (and any other similar items) and place them in a safety deposit box, and do not retrieve them until you've conquered such feelings.
If I may recommend an interesting and enlightening book about perseverance in the face of a peril which I would think puts most anyone to shame regarding their own tribulations, please check out the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, if you haven't already read it. If you have, read it again.
Always know no matter what you provide value to other people. You may not even know it but it is always true, big or small. Even on a forum in OT you provide value to others. I always enjoy reading your posts and hope to continue to have the privilege of doing so.
We all get dealt some bad cards in life from time to time. The test of character and what makes us who we are is how we respond, deal with, and learn from those experiences. Whatever it is, I can promise you that you will get through it, and as others have stated, your time will come. You will find joy and meaning. And you will look back and think, "how could I have even considered that?"
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