Quote:
Originally Posted by 954Stealth
Samuraiof2day
So now that I am sufficiently drunk, let me tell you a story. Actually, let me tell you two. Don't worry I'll give you the abridged versions.
The first is one that I went through in my teens. I was depressed. My brother had died a few months previous to my descent in the depression I was feeling. I was just sixteen and he died at a mere 19 years old. I felt there was no future for me, no purpose, no reason for going on. And so I set out on a path such as that which you eluded to in a recent post. I was going to do it with a car, though. I was going to jump in front of a car. There was one night when I had had a fight with my parents and I decided, amidst my teenage angst and lack of maturity, that that was the night. So I went outside and loitered on the sidewalk next to a busy street. I saw a car...I decided that was the one that would be my ending. No, it was not a car it was actually a public transportation bus. Do you know those long, bendy busses? It was one of those. The traffic drew on and the bus drew closer...my mind was made up. I braced myself for the inevitable. Then a car cut out from behind the bus and accelerated past the bus, the driver saw me on the sidewalk and pulled off in to this cul-de-sac type driveway which was just to my right. It was an aunt of mine who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. Somehow, someway she just happened to be there at the right time in exactly the right moment for me. This was an aunt that I really looked up to, that helped me so much in my earlier years and with whom I had had a close connection.
My next story involves my later teenage years and my last years of high school. My best friend was having a tough time and his parents had just separated. He lived with his mother but his Dad visited from time to time. In fact, most of the basement and the barn held his Dad's possessions while the top 2 floors of their house was the Mom's stuff and the Mother's life. Well, we were hanging out one night in fact I think it was the day after Thanksgiving. We needed to help his mother plant some new plants in the front lawn and clean up the walkway. Clean up? Ok, so we needed a broom. I said "Hey, I'll run to the barn and grab a broom and a couple rakes." Guess what i found when I went to the barn? No, don't guess...I'll tell you: his Dad had shot himself in the head with a shotgun right there in the barn.
Why am I writing this? I do not know another way to so clearly and emotionally and with such conviction explain just how precious life is. There is ALWAYS a purpose for us being here (even if we don't completely understand it at the time) and there are ALWAYS people here on this earth the WANT us to be here, that love us and that really care for us, even if we don't believe it or recognize it at the time. Life is beautiful and precious and fleeting. People are born, live and die and - in the grand scheme of the universe - it is such a short, brief time.
What we need to do, and what I challenge you and everyone else to do is to think about each moment that we live. Live in that moment, feel it, be present. I would also challenge each and every one of you to let those around know what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Slap your bro in the head and tell him you're glad he's your friend. Shake someone's hand and tell them thank you. Go buy some flowers and bring them home to your wife. Let your kids know how lucky you are that they are in your life.
Life is a gift; let's appreciate it and live it as fully as we can.
|
Thank you for sharing your story, 954Stealth. I am glad that you are still around to tell it to us. I know how difficult it is to share those thoughts because I felt the same way growing up. Ultimately, because I have always felt out of place, I have contemplated ending it countless times, but would never even DARE to mention what was ruminating in my mind because deep down, I consider suicide to be basically quitting or giving up... which would be unacceptable because my father instilled in me at a very young age that weakness is unacceptable... and although there have been many times, (military training/fighting in tournaments/dealing with heartbreak/restraining anger/etc) that I can remember WANTING to give up, something in me won't allow me to.
It is my humble opinion that you were right in choosing family (your Aunt) over ending it all. The thought of family is probably the strongest reason I have not made that choice as well. It is very sad that you lost your brother so early in life. I don't have any biological brothers, so I can't imagine the toll that takes on a young man in his teens, but I do have brothers in my heart that have taken their own lives in the recent years, or suffered violent deaths at the hands of others, and it is truly a heart wrenching experience when the dust is settled, and yet another loved one has to be put in the ground.
Uncle Wede said it best, what gives (me) us the right to intentionally put the people who call us brother, through that same experience...? NOTHING.