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      07-14-2009, 10:48 PM   #1
Kiemyster
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Talking Confessions of an E90Post Shitter (funny shit)

So, im sitting down on my toilet right now, trying to take a nice shit. but no, for the last few months, my body and I have been fighting a war. I find myself shitting 3+ times a day, and not to much comes out. I am wasting far to much time in the toilet when i could be productive. Its not coming out easily, either.

Now, i dont mind spending hours on the toilet. Personally, i enjoy taking a shit because i feel like a million bucks afterwards. these days however, its a different story.

but enough talking about me and my shitting problems. The real point to this thread is for me to share a website with all of you that still has me laughing. The OP has the same problem as me, and if you read the responses you WILL die laughing. this is a nice way to pass the time if your bored, to read through this thread.

This is my favorite quote that made me laugh so hard that it allowed me to let loose a nugget of shit (the first and only one at this point).

Quote:
Pat "Fart Rocket" T. (not verified) -- 01.04.2005
I think that the answer lies in between the turds. Depending on the Velocity, shape, apex, and tenderness of the poop, pushing has to be gauge almost like adjusting Turbos on a car for output. In my experience, i usually take one solid dump a day that can knock out anyone within a 100 ft radius. My anal glands provide my bum with "Shit lubricatus" Latin translation: Excess ass cream. This allows for immediate ejaculation of any and all turds, no matter what shape or size. The sheath that is created by my butt juices allows for a standard 15 psi of outward pressure. In conclusion, soft, hard, big, small, push hard and stain the bowl.
and yes. I am on the toilet taking a shit right now. This just proves that my shits are so long, i actually bring my laptop with me cause i know its gonna be a long haul.

Link to the thread: http://www.poopreport.com/Debate/Content/push.html
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Last edited by Kiemyster; 07-18-2009 at 11:11 AM..
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      07-14-2009, 11:31 PM   #2
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eat some more fiber?
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      07-15-2009, 12:13 AM   #3
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Eat some papaya, it cleans your system out. No lie.
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      07-15-2009, 11:15 AM   #4
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Read

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diverticulum

http://www.medicinenet.com/diverticulosis/article.htm
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      07-15-2009, 11:49 AM   #5
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You smoke to much
munches result in epic doo doos lol
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      07-15-2009, 12:52 PM   #6
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my workout supplement super pump 250 causes unholy massive shits.
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      07-15-2009, 01:28 PM   #7
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stolen from another similar post...

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      07-15-2009, 02:31 PM   #8
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These taste so good, but I have to be careful about eating 2 or more because this will be me on the toilet the next day -->

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      07-15-2009, 02:43 PM   #9
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Here this should get you going.

http://www.colonblow.com/

http://www.hulu.com/watch/10304/satu...ive-colon-blow
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      07-15-2009, 02:54 PM   #10
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Maybe a little to much cheese?
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      07-15-2009, 08:59 PM   #11
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I enjoyed your post Keymeyster. I get great ideas for the Off-Topic Discussions Board when I'm in the shower and the shitter. Then i get out of the shower and I get lazy and forget to post. Here are some i can remember:

Title: Piss in the shower
Message: ever wanna piss so bad once you're in the shower but you can't get out without wetting the bathroom floor, so you squat down and 'AIM' into that black hole hoping that you get as much into that hole in an attempt to keep the smell out of the shower in case your significant other walks in and says "Are you peeing in the shower!??"

Title: Shower Soap
Message: For those of you who still use a bar of soap, how small does the soap have to get before you get a new one? Myself, I keep working that tiny soapbar until it can't create any more lather and gets lost in my pubes or the crack of my ass.

I get deep thoughts on the can too:
Title: Shit to death
Message: Have you ever taken a shit in which you almost fainted? I went and did some research and a few famous people have died on the can. They had massive heart attacks cuz one of your central nervous systems passes through your asshole. (or something like that).
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      07-15-2009, 09:12 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoKids View Post
I enjoyed your post Keymeyster. I get great ideas for the Off-Topic Discussions Board when I'm in the shower and the shitter. Then i get out of the shower and I get lazy and forget to post. Here are some i can remember:

Title: Piss in the shower
Message: ever wanna piss so bad once you're in the shower but you can't get out without wetting the bathroom floor, so you squat down and 'AIM' into that black hole hoping that you get as much into that hole in an attempt to keep the smell out of the shower in case your significant other walks in and says "Are you peeing in the shower!??"

Title: Shower Soap
Message: For those of you who still use a bar of soap, how small does the soap have to get before you get a new one? Myself, I keep working that tiny soapbar until it can't create any more lather and gets lost in my pubes or the crack of my ass.

I get deep thoughts on the can too:
Title: Shit to death
Message: Have you ever taken a shit in which you almost fainted? I went and did some research and a few famous people have died on the can. They had massive heart attacks cuz one of your central nervous systems passes through your asshole. (or something like that).
well, the bar soap is a good question. I dont use bar soap, but when i have used it, i usually would replace it when it breaks up, and that happens when its small and im cleaning my ass. Its the reaction of my cheeks and anus tightening that breaks up the soap bar, and then id know its time to replace it lol.

The piss in the shower thing, im not quite understanding what your saying. You mean while showering? once that warm water hits my body i instantly piss. I dont squat, i just aim to the hole. I couldnt give a fuck where it goes, im showering so i can just sprinkle water everywhere and clean it up.

Shitting to death is no joke. one of my tenants died taking a shit in the bowl. Not cool. Isnt the CNS the brain and spinal cord? would it be at the end of the spinal cord or would it be your peripheral nervous system?
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      07-15-2009, 09:13 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drift90 View Post
You smoke to much
munches result in epic doo doos lol
its the lack thereof. I am in Ny and got no links, so for now, im sober.
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      07-15-2009, 09:17 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiemyster View Post
well, the bar soap is a good question. I dont use bar soap, but when i have used it, i usually would replace it when it breaks up, and that happens when its small and im cleaning my ass. Its the reaction of my cheeks and anus tightening that breaks up the soap bar, and then id know its time to replace it lol.

The piss in the shower thing, im not quite understanding what your saying. You mean while showering? once that warm water hits my body i instantly piss. I dont squat, i just aim to the hole. I couldnt give a fuck where it goes, im showering so i can just sprinkle water everywhere and clean it up.

Shitting to death is no joke. one of my tenants died taking a shit in the bowl. Not cool. Isnt the CNS the brain and spinal cord? would it be at the end of the spinal cord or would it be your peripheral nervous system?
ya the piss is while i'm showering. i rarely do it, because i'm the guy who has to clean the bathtub usually, so i try to be clean about it. also i dont want to get caught so i try to be sneaky about it. it's like cheating, once you get caught the trust is gone .
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      07-15-2009, 09:20 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoKids View Post
ya the piss is while i'm showering. i rarely do it, because i'm the guy who has to clean the bathtub usually, so i try to be clean about it. also i dont want to get caught so i try to be sneaky about it. it's like cheating, once you get caught the trust is gone .
ohh youve got a tub... Ive got tiles, so i can get away with it. Im cut though, so my aim is pretty perfect. even if i had a tub, i would nail it right in the hole. its only after i bust a nut my aim is all super duper fucked up.


holy shit, next topic of convo: breaking and pissing LOL. After i shoot my gun, there are usually 2 separate sprays of piss at once! and one goes straight, and the other goes in some fucked up direction which sprays everywhere. thats the only time i nmiss when i take a piss
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      07-15-2009, 09:53 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiemyster View Post
ohh youve got a tub... Ive got tiles, so i can get away with it. Im cut though, so my aim is pretty perfect. even if i had a tub, i would nail it right in the hole. its only after i bust a nut my aim is all super duper fucked up.


holy shit, next topic of convo: breaking and pissing LOL. After i shoot my gun, there are usually 2 separate sprays of piss at once! and one goes straight, and the other goes in some fucked up direction which sprays everywhere. thats the only time i nmiss when i take a piss
i know i know. the worst is when you wake up with morning wood! try to take a piss with a full erection, it's foken impossible. i gotta whack my dik to go limp otherwise i'm bending over in unnatural positions to piss with a woody.
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      07-15-2009, 10:14 PM   #17
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lol there are some good reading in that thread! I'll make sure to bring the site up on my next shit
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      07-15-2009, 11:03 PM   #18
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      07-16-2009, 11:00 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoKids View Post
i know i know. the worst is when you wake up with morning wood! try to take a piss with a full erection, it's foken impossible. i gotta whack my dik to go limp otherwise i'm bending over in unnatural positions to piss with a woody.
ohhh boy. i went through this delemmia today. I usually try to bust a morning nut before i get out of bed. In the event that i dont have the time or just not feelin to, i usually squeeze my jr.'s head a few times. not too hard, but good enough pressure where its uncomforting. do that for about 20 seconds and your wood will be gone, allowing the flow to go.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BKV122 View Post
lol there are some good reading in that thread! I'll make sure to bring the site up on my next shit
ohh yeah, i wouldnt mislead you bro. its so fucking entertaining to read it when taking a shit. Its as appropriate of a timing as one could possibly think of lol.
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      07-16-2009, 12:31 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bimmer Loyalist View Post
my workout supplement super pump 250 causes unholy massive shits.
lol...my friend calls it super dump.
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      07-16-2009, 01:53 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiemyster View Post
gun, there are usually 2 separate sprays of piss at once! and one goes straight, and the other goes in some fucked up direction which sprays everywhere. thats the only time i nmiss when i take a piss
If I know I busted just before going to bed, when I stand up in the morning to piss I spread the tip opening a little, no more dual sprays. Seems a little ejac gets left in the tip and sticks the edges together or something. I just hate leaking all over my leg\shorts\robe
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      07-16-2009, 02:35 PM   #22
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My shitting has been pretty good lately. Well packed. Three issues currently though...

-Taking a lot of pebble shits...IE just farts and pebbles. Kind of like brown marbles.
-I still seem to get a lot of doody on index finger while whiping furiously (after sitting-down urination)
-It's prime swamp ass season.
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